Longo’s half-sticker put-er-on-er (THANK / YOU Longo’s) caught checking out customer’s deft navigation of self-checkout machine

Applewood grocery-goers witnessed a small but electric scene at Longo’s yesterday, when the store’s famed half-sticker put-er-on-er—guardian of the angled “THANK / YOU Longo’s” seals—momentarily abandoned adhesive duty to watch a customer glide through the self-checkout like Federer rallying on Centre Court.

The customer’s technique was flawless: barcodes found instantly, items scanned without hesitation, produce codes tapped in as if muscle memory had been coded at birth. Bags were filled in synchronized rhythm—left hand, right hand, no fumbling. No machine voice interrupted to demand “remove item from bagging area.”

Federer himself might have nodded at the grace. So did the half-sticker put-er-on-er, who lingered with a roll of seals dangling like a lanyard, admiration briefly outweighing routine. “It was elegance,” he reportedly muttered to a colleague later. “I’ve seen clean checkouts, but that was poetry.”

The moment ended with a shared glance: subtle, quick, but unmistakable. Shoppers nearby pretended to study avocados, though most agreed something quietly cinematic had just unfolded under the fluorescent lights.

Longo’s has not issued comment, but insiders say self-checkout traffic is up, with some customers openly “training” to impress the sticker artisan—a man who, it turns out, knows grace when he sees it.

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FURTHERMOREOVERKILL

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G Papa Tango, give us 5 other sports Federer might have dominated.

When you mention Federer, the mind naturally pictures a man so smooth he makes even water look clumsy. If tennis hadn’t claimed him, here are five other arenas he might have ruled:

1. Fencing ⚔️

That wrist snap, that precision, that economy of motion—Federer would’ve been the sort of fencer who scored before you even realized he’d lunged. Plus, the gentlemanly salute at the end? Right in his wheelhouse.

2. Table Tennis

Imagine a Federer forehand, but compressed into a flick of the wrist. He’d bring the same elegance, only at speeds that would make mortals dizzy. The rallies would be short—because he’d end them quickly.

3. Badminton

With his knack for anticipation and feathery touch, Federer could make the shuttlecock look like it had agreed to cooperate. The floating grace of badminton might have given him a second kingdom to reign.

4. Cricket (as a batsman) 🏏

Footwork is everything in cricket, and Federer has ballet slippers for feet. Picture him caressing cover drives to the boundary, barely breaking a sweat, smiling faintly as fielders despair.

5. Golf

The patience, the poise, the “let me just stand here and solve geometry with my body” quality—he could have been a menace on the fairway. His putts, like his drop shots, would fall with surgical inevitability.

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