Applewood Homeowner aware that every DIY screw screwed screws screwer faster to everlasting suburbia

APPLEWOOD — With a cordless drill in one hand and an IKEA hex key in the other, an Applewood homeowner has reached a startling realization: every screw tightened in the name of DIY doesn’t just hold together a shelf or a deck—it fastens them ever deeper into the unending sprawl of suburbia.

“Once you hang one floating shelf, you’re not just decorating,” said the homeowner, already measuring a wall for the next project. “You’re pledging allegiance to the eternal hum of lawnmowers, the glow of porch lights, and the quiet war against raccoons in the attic.”

Neighbors confirmed the phenomenon, noting that the more screws driven into drywall, the faster the transformation into permanent suburban settlers. “It starts with a bird feeder, then a deck, then an outdoor pizza oven,” one neighbor explained. “Before long, you’re on a committee about mailbox height standards.”

Sociologists describe this as the Screwdriver Principle: every click of the ratchet ties individuals not just to their houses, but to the rhythms of cul-de-sac life—seasonal garage sales, snowblower debates, and the eternal question of whether to pressure-wash the siding.

The Applewood homeowner has resigned to fate. “I thought I was just putting up curtain rods,” they admitted. “But apparently I was anchoring myself to everlasting suburbia.”

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G Papa Tango, got any 'screwed' jokes for us?

Oh, plenty — the headline you gave me is practically begging for them 😅. Here’s a handful, ranging from corny to clever:

🔩 One-liners & Puns

• I tried to fix my wobbly chair… now I’m screwed.

• Applewood hardware store ran out of screws. Talk about a screw-up.

• DIY is all fun and games until you realize you bought the wrong size screws. Then you’re really screwed.

• Marriage is like IKEA furniture — lots of screws, but if you miss one, it all falls apart.

• He thought he was handy… turns out he was just screw-loose.

🛠️ Little “stories”

• A guy walks into Home Depot and asks for self-tapping screws. The clerk says, “Buddy, if they’re tapping themselves, what do they need you for?”

• Neighbor: “How’s the deck coming along?”

  Applewood homeowner: “I’m about three screws short of finished.”

  Neighbor: “We’ve known that for years.”

😈 Cheekier wordplay

• Why don’t screws ever get lost? Because they always thread their way back.

• DIY motto: If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably using the wrong screw.

• Applewood’s unofficial slogan: The more you screw, the deeper you settle.

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