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With impressive show of mental dexterity, paranoid Applewood homeowner juggling thirteen conspiracy theories that explain pair of squarish thingies stapled to Russett Road

  • G Papa Tango
  • Aug 26
  • 2 min read
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Applewood traffic slowed briefly this week when two small, square objects appeared—mysteriously stapled directly into the asphalt of Russett Road. While most drivers swerved without a second thought, one vigilant homeowner quickly elevated the mystery to an Olympic-level mental sport.


By Tuesday afternoon, he was simultaneously managing thirteen distinct conspiracy theories. Were the squarish thingies covert pothole surveillance devices? Early prototypes of driverless-car beacons? Markers for an underground Amazon fulfillment tunnel? Or, more troubling, portals for squirrels weaponized by foreign intelligence?


Neighbours report seeing the man pacing the sidewalk, furiously sketching diagrams in a notebook, occasionally crouching to measure staple angles with a protractor. “It’s almost art,” said one passerby. “He’s juggling more theories than most of us juggle grocery bags.”


Municipal workers, when asked, admitted they had “no earthly clue” why the road was stapled, which of course only fueled the homeowner’s efforts. The mystery, like the staples, appears firmly lodged in Applewood.

 

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FURTHERMOREOVERKILL


Would you like me to actually list out all thirteen theories in his spiraling catalogue—almost like a menu of madness?

 

 

Yup, G Papa Tango, we would.

 

 

Thirteen Competing Explanations for the Pair of Squarish Thingies Stapled to Russett Road 🌀

  1. Traffic Calming by Stealth — miniature, high-tech speed bumps disguised as geometry homework.

  2. 5G Amplifiers — tiny squares secretly beaming mind-control signals straight into drivers’ axles.

  3. Portal Anchors — tether points for a wormhole between Russett Road and an eerily similar cul-de-sac in Brampton.

  4. Pothole Prevention Pilot — staples pinning the asphalt in place before the next freeze-thaw cycle.

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  1. Underground Drone Charging Pads — because it’s 2025, and drones apparently need parking meters too.

  2. Local Realtor Plot — subliminal “for sale” signs meant to prime subconscious buyers for bidding wars.

  3. Chip Tracker Test — prototypes of the microchips that were supposed to go in vaccines but “didn’t take.”

  4. Russett Road Monopoly Board — Phase One of a Hasbro urban experiment, awaiting dice rolls the size of minivans.

  5. Squirrel Intelligence Bureau — entry points for rodents carrying flash drives.

  6. Condo Developer Breadcrumbs — laying claim, one staple at a time, to every square inch of Applewood.

  7. Alien Morse Code — but in square form, obviously, because aliens don’t “do” dots and dashes.

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  1. Psychological Experiment — the city testing how many people stop to notice (so far: one).

  2. Personal Message — a sign placed for him specifically, confirming he was right all along about everything.





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