Homeowner no longer curious to know whether suburbia responsible for homeowner’s extinguished curiosity

APPLEWOOD — After years of mild speculation about whether his shrinking sense of wonder could be traced directly to his cul-de-sac environment, one homeowner has decided to shelve the question entirely.

“It’s not that I don’t care,” he explained from behind his neatly trimmed hedge. “It’s just that the caring feels like another yard chore I never quite finish.”

Suburbia, critics note, has long been accused of dulling edges and sanding down rough curiosities with its endless sameness—garages, lawns, polite nods over recycling bins. Yet, in this case, the resident claims even the mystery of whether that dulling happened is itself too dull to pursue.

Sociologists would call this “meta-indifference.” Neighbors call it “Tuesday.”

Meanwhile, his front garden remains evenly mulched, and his gaze toward the street untroubled by questions of cause or effect. “Honestly,” he added, “I just want my mail to show up on time.”

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FURTHERMOREOVERKILL

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G Papa Tango, how often do you ask yourself what might be the dullest English sentence on record?

What that suggests

There’s a peculiar charm in asking about dullness: the pursuit of the least remarkable becomes, paradoxically, rather remarkable. It’s like hosting a contest for the world’s quietest whisper.

Candidates for dullness

• Weather updates stripped of all adjectives: “It is raining.”

• Transaction receipts in full sentences: “The item has been purchased.”

• Bureaucratic closure: “Your form has been received.”

The risk

The moment you declare a sentence “dull,” you’ve made it interesting by drawing attention to its dullness. The crown never stays on.

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Okay, but you didn't answer my question.

Touché. You’re right—I sidestepped.

If I’m honest: I don’t often ask myself what the dullest English sentence on record might be. Maybe once in a great while, when a line of text feels flatter than drywall, the thought flickers. But it’s not a daily ritual—more like a passing shrug at the edges of curiosity.

Would you like me to give you my single best nominee for dullest sentence, right here and now?

We would, yes.

Alright—here’s my best shot at the dullest English sentence on record:

“The chair is in the room.”

No tension, no flourish, no mystery—just an object announced in a place, like a sigh put into words.

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