Fuming Applewood newlywed reports doomscrolling spouse MIA

APPLEWOOD — Trouble is already brewing in paradise for one Applewood couple, just weeks after their picturesque backyard wedding near Harvest Road. The bride, who asked to be identified only as "Shay," reported her spouse missing late Sunday evening after what she described as a “concerningly quiet afternoon.”

According to Shay, her partner vanished sometime between lunch and dusk, last seen on the couch in pajamas, eyes locked on their phone. “They said they were just checking the news,” she told reporters, “but five hours later, no texts, no footsteps, just that eerie glow from the den.”

Neighbours say they spotted the missing spouse earlier that day in a full-on doomscroll trance, oblivious to both a firetruck siren and a rogue raccoon skirmish in the laneway.

Police have since located the individual safe and sound — still scrolling, now halfway through a deep thread about climate anxiety, political chaos, and TikTok-driven food shortages. No charges are being laid, but Shay says there will be “firm limits on screen time moving forward — or else it’s couple’s therapy with a side of digital detox.”

As of press time, the spouse had not commented, though sources report they had bookmarked several articles about "why your partner might feel neglected."

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G Papa Tango, how did humans doomscroll before there was the Internet?

Here’s how people used to get their fix of anxiety-laced information:

1. Newspaper Binging

Morning paper, evening edition, plus the Sunday monster with 30 pages of world crises. People would pore over war updates, economic crashes, grisly crimes, and political scandals — not unlike today’s feeds, just slower and inkier. Bonus: the rustle of turning pages replaced the infinite scroll.

2. Late-Night Radio and TV News Marathons

From the Cold War to Watergate, folks glued themselves to news radio or the 11 o’clock news, sometimes flipping between channels or scanning shortwave signals to hear apocalyptic broadcasts from abroad. This was the analog version of bouncing between tabs.

3. Magazine Piles and Disaster Books

True crime mags, Reader’s Digest cautionary tales, Time and Newsweek specials on the coming collapse of civilization — people consumed media with that same queasy curiosity we now channel into Reddit threads about societal decline. Entire books on nuclear doom or economic disaster filled bedside tables.

4. Talking to Your Most Paranoid Relative

Every family had (has?) that uncle or grandma who could deliver an oral scroll of everything going wrong in the world — from crop failures in Nebraska to civil unrest in Bangkok. People didn’t need Twitter when they had Uncle Larry's rants at the dinner table.

5. Worry Journals, Nightmares, and the Art of Stewing

Without screens, people had more space to spiral inward. Anxiety wasn’t outsourced to a feed — it lived in diaries, dreams, and long sleepless hours of what-if scenarios playing in loop. The doom was personal, but just as persistent.

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