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Dog owner’s loaded new iPhone can’t change impression: dog happier, better equipped for life than homeowner
- G Papa Tango
- Aug 9
- 3 min read
MISSISSAUGA — Despite splurging on Apple’s latest high-storage iPhone, local resident Martin Kravitz admits the shiny purchase has done little to silence a gnawing suspicion: his golden retriever, Daisy, is simply winning at life.
“Look at her,” Kravitz said, gesturing toward Daisy, who was sprawled across the living room rug in a patch of golden afternoon light, lazily chewing a squeaky carrot. “No mortgage stress, no unread emails, and her healthcare plan? Free vet checkups through the rescue program. Meanwhile, I’ve got car payments and a cholesterol number I don’t talk about.”
The iPhone—equipped with every conceivable storage upgrade, three camera lenses, and a case more expensive than Kravitz’s last pair of shoes—was meant to be a “fresh start.” But Daisy’s unshakable cheer and apparent mastery of life’s priorities have left him wondering if he’s fundamentally misunderstood what success looks like.
“She wakes up thrilled to see me every day,” Kravitz added. “I wake up and check the news. She’s clearly doing it right.”
While the iPhone can stream any video and take cinematic 4K portraits of Daisy, Kravitz admits it can’t capture the deeper truth: “I’d trade half its features for her ability to fall asleep in three seconds and wake up smiling.”
Sources close to the matter confirmed Daisy has no opinion on Kravitz’s tech purchase—although she did immediately lick the screen.
FURTHERMOREOVERKILL
G Papa Tango, we need a slew of answers to the age-old doggie question, how many belly rubs are enough belly rubs?
Until the dog falls asleep – There’s no such thing as too many belly rubs when they can’t help but snooze mid-rub.
Just one more – The answer is always one more than you’ve given, because who can ever really stop?
The full moon number – Enough belly rubs are when the moon is full and the dog is glowing with happiness!
The never-ending loop – The perfect number is the one that loops indefinitely. Belly rubs for eternity, please.
When the tail stops wagging – If the tail hasn’t wagged to exhaustion yet, you’re not done.
As long as the dog asks – There’s no such thing as “enough” when the dog is still rolling on its back, eyes sparkling with joy.
The “ahhhh” moment – When the dog lets out a contented sigh and melts into the floor, you’ve reached perfection.
Till the paws start tapping – If the dog’s paws start moving like they’re typing on a keyboard, you know you've got it right.
Until the snack time countdown – Belly rubs are enough when the dog’s stomach rumbles... unless it’s for treats, then it’s time for a break!
Three belly rubs for every two wagging tail spins – Balance is key: one rub for every two spins, and you’re golden.
When the dog gives you that 'I’m satisfied' look – You’ll know it’s enough when they stop trying to position themselves in ever more comical ways to get rubs.
The full-body sprawl level – Once your dog sprawls out like they’re the King of Comfort, you’ve hit maximum belly rub saturation.
When you can’t feel your hands anymore – If your arms are sore from rubbing, you’ve done your duty, but maybe give them a break and go for a walk instead.
Belly rubs for every belly laugh – A good rule of thumb: for every funny moment or silly behavior, give a belly rub as a reward.
As many as the dog can handle – If your dog’s still enjoying it, you’re still rubbing. Simple as that!
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