Crisscrossing CCTV security cams, pronounced age gap, lurking divorce lawyers, gossipy locals, hard-wired Catholic guilt complex conspire to temper Applewood homeowner feels aroused by new neighbour

APPLEWOOD ACRES — A local homeowner is grappling with a tempest of conflicting emotions this week, after a new neighbor moved in across Harvest Road with what onlookers have diplomatically described as a "statuesque presence" and "a possibly unjustifiable number of open-shirted afternoons."

While the newcomer’s arrival has prompted a flurry of hedge-trimming and suspiciously timed recycling bin placements, sources close to the situation say that one particular resident has found themselves "unexpectedly and inconveniently stirred."

“I mean, obviously, I noticed,” the homeowner admitted under strict anonymity. “But then you remember the age difference, and the fact that a lawyer from your own divorce jogs past every morning, and the cameras—they’re everywhere. Also, Father Mancuso lives two doors down. The whole street’s basically a confessional.”

Indeed, Applewood’s famously tight grid of privately installed CCTV cameras—originally intended for raccoon deterrence and community watch—has unintentionally become a panopticon of mutual moral restraint.

Add to that the ever-chatty knitting circle stationed outside the United Church’s little library, and even the most innocent wave over the hedge becomes public fodder. "There’s not much else to talk about now that the crocuses have bloomed,” admitted one local, eyes twinkling.

While the situation has sparked no official scandal, insiders report a noticeable uptick in jogs, shirt-ironing, and unnecessary fence mending along the block. Still, for now, the homeowner remains admirably restrained.

“It’s probably for the best,” they said with a sigh. “Besides, I’ve got enough on my plate. I just re-sodded the front lawn, and desire is murder on new grass.”

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FURTHERMOREOVERKILL

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G Papa Tango, let's put a value on everything: the cost of divorce lawyers, the trauma of splitting up, the joy of new love, the emotional toll of losing custody of the kids, the cost of alimony, the cost of overstaying a failed marriage. Every factor you can factor in! What is the final balance where divorce is concerned?

Oof. Okay. Let’s try to put some numbers and emotional weight on the great cosmic ledger that is divorce. Of course, it varies wildly per couple, but we can sketch a sort of heartbreak budget and emotional spreadsheet. Let's call it:

The Divorce Balance Sheet: What’s It Really Worth to Call It Quits?

1. Legal Costs

• Divorce lawyers: $300–$600/hour

• Typical contested divorce total: $15,000–$50,000 (per spouse)

• Uncontested divorce: $1,000–$5,000

  
  

  💸 Running Total: $30,000 (mid-range, if it gets messy)

2. Alimony / Spousal Support

• Varies wildly. Could be nothing. Could be $1,000/month for 10 years.

  
  

  💸 Estimated: $120,000 over a decade

3. Child Custody Battles

• Legal fees spike. Add $5,000–$30,000.

• Emotional toll: sleepless nights, therapy bills, strained bonds

  
  

  💸 Cost: $10,000 + $5,000 for child therapy and logistics

  
  

  ❤️ Emotional toll: 7/10 — grief, guilt, limited birthdays

4. Trauma of Splitting Up

• Loss of shared routines, social circles, financial security

• Therapy: $150/week × 2 years = $15,600

  
  

  💸 Cost: $15,600

  
  

  ❤️ Emotional toll: 8/10

5. Cost of Overstaying a Failed Marriage

• Subtle, corrosive costs: years of unhappiness, emotional shutdown, kids noticing

• Mental health toll: mild depression, anxiety, resentment

• Opportunity cost: lost years of potential joy, connection, new growth

  
  

  💸 Cost: Can’t be counted in dollars. But say 5 years × $10k/year in spiritual decay = $50,000

  
  

  ❤️ Emotional toll: 9/10 if it drags on

6. The Joy (and Chaos) of New Love

• Renewed vitality, sex, excitement, dumb spontaneous road trips

• Therapy bills may decrease. You glow differently.

• But: dating apps, awkward dinners, disappointment, STDs

  
  

  💸 Value: +$30,000 in happiness equity

  
  

  ❤️ Emotional gain: 7/10 (if it goes well), or 2/10 (if it’s a disaster)

7. Moving Out & Starting Over

• First/last month's rent: $4,000

• New furniture, setting up solo life again: $10,000

• “Why did I ever think I needed a pasta maker?”

  
  

  💸 Cost: $14,000

8. Community Gossip / Catholic Guilt / Church Politics

• Emotional cost: high in tight communities

• Can impact kids, career, and your social rhythm

  
  

  ❤️ Emotional toll: 5/10

🧾 TOTAL DAMAGE (Mid-range estimate)

Category	Estimated Cost
Legal fees	$30,000
Alimony	$120,000
Custody-related costs	$15,000
Therapy & trauma	$15,600
Overstaying a dead marriage	$50,000 (opportunity cost)
Moving out	$14,000
Joy of new love	–$30,000 (a gain!)
TOTAL	$214,600 (approx.)

So What’s the Final Balance?

If you leave:

• You might lose a lot of money.

• You might regain your sanity, your sense of self, and your future.

If you stay:

• You might save some money, at the cost of internal rot and long-term resentment.

• Or, you might rediscover each other—if you're both willing to show up.

Divorce isn't just a financial decision—it's a spiritual one. You pay in dollars, yes, but also in nights of doubt, mornings of liberation, and years of rebuilding.

And sometimes, the most expensive choice is staying where you don’t belong.

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