Applewood pronouns 53% less amenable than national average

In a revelation that has grammarians blinking twice and English teachers quietly weeping into their chalk, Applewood’s pronouns have officially been declared 53% less amenable than those used elsewhere in Canada.

“They’re uncooperative at best, downright elusive at worst,” said Dr. Theo Gribble, a visiting linguist who reportedly left town mid-sentence. “We asked who ‘they’ referred to, and the sentence just stared back at us. It knew. It just wasn’t telling.”

The report, compiled after months of eavesdropping in coffee shops, group chats, and one extremely confusing town hall, suggests that Applewood’s pronouns tend to resist clarity, commitment, and in some cases, basic syntax. Locals say they’ve long suspected something was up.

“My cousin tried to write a simple thank-you note and got tangled in three ‘hes’ and an ‘it’ that might’ve been a metaphor,” said longtime resident Miriam Roach. “We never found out who brought the pie.”

While some outside commentators have called for urgent grammatical intervention, Applewood remains unbothered. “We like our pronouns mysterious,” said a spokesperson who refused to specify their subject. “Keeps things interesting.”

Meanwhile, the pronouns themselves were unavailable for comment—though one was seen slinking into a sentence about municipal bylaws, looking vaguely smug.

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G Papa Tango, can u write a texting back and forth devoid of pronouns?

Absolutely! Here's a short texting exchange between two people, written entirely without pronouns:

Casey: Going to the park later?

Drew: Thought about it. Weather looks decent.

Casey: Still cloudy near the school.

Drew: Maybe bring a jacket.

Casey: Snacks?

Drew: Packed some already. Crackers, apples, fizzy stuff.

Casey: Excellent. Meet at the corner?

Drew: Usual spot by the mailbox?

Casey: Exactly. See you then.

Drew: Looking forward to it.

2 x it, 1 x you??

You're right! Let's clean that up. Here's a revised version—100% devoid of "it," "you," or any pronouns:

Casey: Heading to the park later?

Drew: Considered that. Weather seems decent.

Casey: Still cloudy near the school.

Drew: Jacket might be wise.

Casey: Bring snacks?

Drew: Packed already: crackers, apples, fizzy stuff.

Casey: Excellent. Meet at the corner?

Drew: Usual spot beside the mailbox?

Casey: Exactly. See then.

Drew: Looking forward to the walk.

that?

Ha! Caught again. You're right — "that" can also be a sneaky stand-in when pronouns go missing, especially when it's doing the work of referring back to an idea or object. Here's a truly strict no-pronoun version—no it, you, that, those, these, they, he, she, we, us, I, me, etc.

Casey: Park later?

Drew: Park sounds good.

Casey: Clouds over school zone.

Drew: Jacket advisable.

Casey: Snacks included?

Drew: Crackers, apples, fizzy drinks ready.

Casey: Excellent. Meet beside mailbox?

Drew: Mailbox corner works.

Casey: Arrival expected soon.

Drew: Anticipating good stroll.

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