Applewood Acres residents twigging to sad fact neighbourhood lacks token oligarch

Applewood Acres, long celebrated for its tidy hedges, carport chess matches, and seasonal lawn décor competitions, has been forced into a moment of sober self-reflection: the neighbourhood has no oligarch.

Other suburban enclaves, locals note, can at least boast of one semi-mythic resident with a private jet, a mansion on the ravine, or at minimum, a backyard infinity pool glistening above ground level. Applewood, by contrast, has only steady dual-income families, a smattering of retirees, and a heroic teenager working nights at the pizza place.

“It’s kind of embarrassing,” said one longtime homeowner. “All we’ve got is Mr. P’s Lexus that he waxes every Sunday. But that doesn’t really count.”

Community strategists are now debating whether to recruit an oligarch from out of town—perhaps through favourable zoning or a creative brochure promising “modest homes with enormous potential”—or to cultivate one locally. Suggestions include urging a resident to make a bold stock-market play, or at least get in early on the next suburban fast-casual franchise.

Until then, Applewood Acres will continue as it always has: egalitarian, middle-class, and perhaps just a little wistful.

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FURTHERMOREOVERKILL

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G Papa Tango, please write the script for a late-night infomercial, the mouthpiece claiming to know the secret to becoming an oligarch.

Late-Night Infomercial Script: “So You Wanna Be an Oligarch?”

[Opening: overly dramatic synth music plays. A suited host with impossibly white teeth beams at the camera.]

HOST (booming voice): Tired of living paycheck to paycheck? Embarrassed when your neighbours whisper, “We don’t even have an oligarch on this street”? Well, friends—your time has come! I’m here tonight with the one weird trick that governments don’t want you to know about. That’s right—the secret to becoming an oligarch!

[Cut to grainy stock footage of skyscrapers, gold bars, helicopters landing on yachts.]

HOST (leaning in conspiratorially): What if I told you that power, prestige, and a token seat at international summits can be yours in just three easy steps?

• Step One: Accumulate wealth—but not just any wealth. Forget piggy banks and retirement funds. I’m talking assets so opaque even your accountant blushes. Offshore, onshore, and maybe under the floorboards.

• Step Two: Consolidate influence. Who needs friends when you can own a politician or two? Imagine hosting backyard barbecues where the mayor asks you to pass the ketchup.

• Step Three: Craft the legend. Every oligarch needs a story. “Self-made,” “genius investor,” or “visionary disruptor.” Never mind the details—what matters is that people repeat it without checking.

[Cut to ecstatic audience plants clapping wildly.]

HOST (gesturing with shiny brochure): And that’s not all! Order my “Become an Oligarch Starter Kit™” tonight, and you’ll also receive:

• A step-by-step guide to naming your shell companies!

• A laminated list of yacht names no one else has used yet!

• And a handy pocket mirror so you can practice your enigmatic smile!

[Serious tone suddenly:] Now, you may be asking: Is this legal? Well… let’s just say, legality is a sliding scale, and you’re holding the ruler.

[Triumphant swell of music. Host raises finger.]

HOST: So call now. Don’t just be a neighbour—be the oligarch your cul-de-sac deserves. Because remember: wealth may not buy happiness… but it sure buys everything else.

[On-screen graphic: 1-800-OLI-GARCH | “Operators standing by, probably offshore.”]

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